Wounded Soul

Its been almost two weeks since I received a phone call that my sister died in a fatal car crash. I lost all control of my emotions and couldn't help but cry out and moan. The news still chills me to the bone and my mind just can't believe she's gone. Some days I can laugh at the memories we had together and other times I just sit in silence and wipe my tears.

My cousin and I talked of how you always expect to get a call of a grandparent dying but never a sibling, close friend, or parent. We often believe that we are simply immortal eventhough we won't admit it. We somehow believe that if we don't think of it it won't happen.

I wanted to wait longer before I posted this news but I thought it would be better to expose my wounds now and let them heal than to keep reopening the wound. I know I will never heal this side of life but I know that someday when I see Jesus face to face, I'll be whole. Until then may my sister and my mother be reunited in Heaven and we all will be together again someday. Maranatha (Lord come quickly)

Season of Change

Just when I think I have life figured out or at least I feel like I have a schedule that works for me, life changes. I used to get so upset when things didn't go as planned and now I pretty much start the countdown in my head of the expected "life change". People think I have gas because of the look on my face when a "life change" happens, but really I'm just laughing inside because I knew that my perfect world wouldn't last long and sometimes it is gas. Either way I am enjoying life.

My most recent life change happened about 13 weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant! Hold your applause please to the end of the blog. LOL! Yes, of course, hubby and I talked about having another baby...in two more years! And I had decided last year was the year I wanted to be pregnant. Seriously, God has a sense of humor! I've been telling prudish believers and agnostics alike for years and I'm sure they'll believe me now!

And now to answer your inquiring minds...

1. No this was not a "planned" pregnancy meaning we were using birth control.

2. Truly after the shock and awe of the blessed news, we're still in awe more than shock.

3. No twins so far, only one heartbeat was heard.

4. The lovelies screamed, rolled around on the floor, laughed, giggled, and told all the neighbors in 10 seconds after we told them the blessed news. K-Warrior was the cutest, he just walked up to me and put both hands on my tummy and smiled.

5. We won't find out if we're having a boy or girl until Jan'12, so y'all will have to wait.

6. Our due date is May 12, 2012.

7. I've had morning sickness the whole time and it stinks. Oh well...

I am truly blessed to have as many life changes as I've had and will continue to have. And I could spend countless hours complaining about how life didn't turn out the way I had hoped. But if I did I would miss out on the subtle joy that life changes bring.

Hope is a many splendored thing

The other day I found myself referring to hope as an annoying flutter. It hasn't always been this way but I guess I'm just used to disappointment more than joy. Its hard to focus on the positive when there is a black cloud following you everywhere. But what I see sometimes is just a mirage of deception so if and when I close my eyes I can see more clearly. Hope isn't always displayed in color, it also ebbs and flows in the dark night of the soul.
I remember so clearly one night as I lay on a bed of despair. I was so overwhelmed with failure that I wanted to sleep and never wake up. As I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing, I imagined myself falling into an endless pit. I figured if I hit the bottom that I wouldn't feel pain anymore. And as I rapidly fell, I heard a voice say, "This is not what I have for you!" And immediately my course of direction changed as if I was being pushed up and out of darkness. My eyes shot open and I realized that even when I gave up on myself, God couldn't. I just cried myself a river. I shook so hard from crying that it scared me a bit. I didn't know how deep this emotion was because I had been so detatched from any real emotion.

Hope can become annoying when its the only thing reminding you that life doesn't entirely suck. It is wonderful if you allow it access to your wounded and broken soul. Hope is a beautiful fragrance that delights the senses if you let it.