My waters run deep

The other night, Brad asked me, "What's wrong?" And for the life of me I wanted to say something but all I could say was, "It's hard." I had a dam of emotions and I had nowhere to even begin to explain. But now I can. You see, we had a quick trip to Phoenix and visited family. Its been almost 2 years since I've been back to my hometown and I have missed it so. So that's the first thing that stirred my emotions. The second was seeing a loved one in pain(emotionally). I know that exact pain and it brought back so much heartache. I wanted to reach out but felt incapable and reserved at the same time. It still haunts me. The third was feeling the shame and disappointment from another loved one. And the feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me. I still was unable to do anything for them. The fourth was the reality check of a dream fading away. I try to hold on to hope but sometimes it just feels easier to let go and not care anymore. But I learned that whenever I am faced with much uncertainty and my whits fail me, I shake my fists at God and then collapse at His feet. I hate to feel helpless and hopeless. The reality is that there will always be a need I cannot fulfill, or a problem I can't fix and if I let it overwhelm me then I cease to live. I was so pissed yesterday and I had had it with God and life in general. I spewed all day in thought and deed. And then I realized that I had to stop throwing a hissy fit! I was trying to do everything myself, meet every need myself and absolutely failed! I hate to fail, I'm sad to say that sometimes I won't try because of the fear of failing. But I realized that I was leaning on my own understanding of things and I booted God out. I sat on the throne and I had no idea what I was doing. I also hate to ask for help, so I endured retardedness for nothing and showed how immature I still am.
I finally put all the kids down for a nap and crawled into my closet for quiet time with the Lord.

I know the visit to Phoenix was on so many better levels than what I have described. I also know that God is so much bigger over my shortcomings and better at handling them. So as I pray for each loved one, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God will meet their need and the only thing I need to do and will always be capable of doing is pray. I'm not saying that prayer is a scapegoat but if God hasn't given you direction, its best you sit down, shut up, and hang on for the ride. I pick my battles with God but I'm glad that He doesn't always give me words to speak. Sometimes its best to let my waters run deep until there is a place for them to go otherwise I will have a lot of stagnant water, yuck!

And just when I thought I was said and done, God gently reminds me of my life verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways aknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
God you are so awesome!!!!