Frail

I have had a lot to ponder since the Women's Retreat a few weeks ago. I really loathe myself because I'm not perfect. And as strong as I try to be sometimes, its just a joke. You see, God didn't make me to be a rock or a bar of steel. He fashioned my heart carefully and everything else about me. And somewhere down this treacherous road of a life I have lived, I've been deceived. I have heard that crying makes me look like a fool, and to trust is a great way to get screwed over, and don't even think about love because no one could ever love me. And the list goes on and on and on. I lost sight on who God is to me and let everyone tell me and so my journey became aimless. But now I have gained new insight and its not anything anyone has said but its been the stubborn love of God that has never let me go off the deep end. It constantly hovers, a warm blanket when I need it. I notice even more how much God loves me and its so hard to grasp because I've never known anything so perfect.

I started a new bible study called Becoming a Woman of Prayer. I need to press into God so much because my world is turning upside down especially with my husband enlisting in the Army. As a perfectionist I've learned to scope out things and have a heart attack early just to get all the emotions in check before something dreadful happens. And sometimes, nothing happens! I don't know what to expect for my future but I know I'm going to need God more today than yesterday. So I stepped out and started this bible study. I'm so excited because I know that new friendships await me and I will grow ever deeper with the Lord.

I am now realizing how I'm self sufficient in my walk with the Lord which causes me to run away from God. I run because of my stupidity and I trip over my frailty and run back to God's open arms where I collapse. And there are other times when God makes time stand still enough for me to notice He's pursuing me so I can hear His heart's requests for my obedience. All that to say I am weak, broken, weary, and most of all frail. God is my strength and not my crutch for He does more than lifts me up and sustains me, He gives me love over and over and over again. I love Him so much!