Days of Grace

I couldn't contain myself when I saw my Honey-Man for the first time in about a month. I was elated! Although we had a van full of kids talking at the same time, it was as if time stood still so we could gaze into each others eyes. We had said what we needed to say through our letters so we didn't say much but we just savored every moment to be close to each other, kiss, and hug. The first few days are just getting reacquainted with each other and melting into one another again. Distance does make the heart grow fonder! We managed to peel ourselves away from each other and engage with our kids. We did a lot of things together as a family. And spent quality time with family and friends. And the honeymoon lasted until the last few days before he would leave us again. It was as if you could hear and see the sands of time go through the hourglass. Some moments are sacred that you hold in your heart that only God knows about and we all had a lot of those.

I tried to be as strong as I could be but I think that is what made me break down even more. On the night that we would have departed at the bus station, I had to ask if his mom and stepdad to take him. They agreed and I felt so relieved but I could feel a storm of emotions coming on. I went to the bathroom for refuge and tried to cry as much as I could to get myself together. I just prayed that the tears would stop so I wouldn't burst into a million pieces. I finally calmed down and came out after what seemed like an eternity. I was hoping that everyone thought dinner didn't settle well and I was "doin' business" in the potty! Afterward I ran into another setback...this time I was guarding my heart and becoming distant. I was so mad at myself because my emotions were malfunctioning. You'd think that I would want to cuddle before he left but I just kept trying to avoid him like the plague. I couldn't even look at him without feeling angry. It was by God's grace that out of nowhere I was summoned outside on the deck. It was good that I wasn't prepared with a speech although I did say things that didn't make sense because I was trying so hard to keep my composure. I was thankful that it was dark enough outside that he didn't see my tears. Although I couldn't help but sniffle and he caught on real quick. He tried to comfort me as much as possible but I could tell he was feeling the same way I did. We melted in that moment but not too long because we knew that it would be harder to part ways.

The moment finally came when we loaded the kids up, quickly embraced and kissed. As we drove away, my oldest kept calling out for her daddy. And at that moment, I just let it all go. We both cried and I did the best I could to to console her while driving. I thought it funny later how the rest of the kids seemed unscathed by the whole ordeal. Life as usual to them. At the end of the day I was thankful that we had 11 days full of splendor. I love now that we make every moment count whereas before we took it for granted. I know in the long run that our lives will forever be deeper and richer because of what we will go through. And although I don't like the pain I look forward to the healing. The process of separation is extremely difficult but not unbearable as some might think. I believe its up to the individual to allow how long the heartache will withstand. And no one handles everything the same.

At the moment I am tenderhearted and frail. I can answer questions better by email or chat. But if you want me to verbalize everything, you'll absolutely get nothin'! I'm just complicated this way but I mean no disrespect. This is how I deal with life sometimes and I hope y'all understand. I do appreciate all the support and prayers. And I promise to let you know if I need anything. But what I don't need right now are questions. I will definitely keep you updated on what I can share but please understand that I need to be discreet and vague sometimes with information.

By God's grace we will go through many things, some more difficult than others. There will not always be an answer for everything. But be assured that there is a purpose and a place for everything. Lets us take nothing for granted, let us live in the days of God's grace because you never know what will happen the next moment.