Mi Vida Loca

My life has always been complicated. I think its funny, that when I tell people about it, some have this confused look on their face. Its the same look dogs have when they're trying to figure out your command or just passed gas.

The last 8yrs I've been at odds with God. I am sad to say, many times I shook my fists in His direction and hurled insults and threats. The pain has been so deep at times I thought if I didn't have skin, I'd break into a million pieces. I cried many bitter tears grasping for some meaning in all the crud. I hate the fact that I don't have all the answers. But then again, I don't think having the answers would make me understand the order of things more.

The only comfort I have is that I have always had a longing for deeper things. And everytime I'm grasping at the wind and nothing makes sense, God breaks through to me and each time it takes my breath away and renews my faith. I love the fact that the last 2 bible studies I've been in have come at the perfect moment and leaves me with the hunger for more glimpses of God. The bible study I'm in now is appropriately titled God's Perspective When Life Hurts. Its been the most challenging for me because I came face to face with the reasons why I'm so skeptical and where I stopped trusting in God many years ago. This study has been a "welcome home" for me and I'm cut to the core every week and now reaching toward God instead of running away from Him. I can honestly say that I trust Him completely with my whole life again.

Life will always be challenging. I guess that's why I have a hard shell and people assume that I'm strong. Only those who truly know me see the frightened little girl. If you would have told me certain events in my life would've needed to happen, I would've asked you if you smoked your breakfast! Now I realize that everything past, present, and future are all apart of God's plans for me. Every grain customized to perfection to bring about the woman I am called to be. I'm growing in the understanding that when I FEEL like I can't go on and I'm overwhelmed with being overwhelmed, God will give me enough strength. He will provide enough peace, rest, and reassurance. He just promised that He would be enough. And now that I'm older and a little wiser, I'm totally cool with that! For the first time in my life, I can exhale and whisper, "God is enough for me."

2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."