Hologram Man

I wanted to share an entry from my journal. I rarely do this but I think as women, we need to peel our layers sometimes and allow others to see and feel our pain. I wanted my closest friends to know as well. I love you but Jesus loves you mo' betta!

Hologram Man
I'm always left wanting more. I desire for my beloved to open his eyes wide to me and his heart but he is still guarded or aloof. I've tried all I can to crack the code but I'm afraid he will never let me in. I fall into the background of his world and in some way disappear. He has always treated me like everyone else, I thought I would be his shining star. I think its easier for him to keep everyone, including me at arms length. If he did let me in he would probably fall apart. But I always fall to pieces when I see him or hear his voice. I just can't keep it together, I'm not that Army strong.
He's my hologram man. He's everything I want and need but I just can't talk to him, I can't hold him, I can't make him understand me, and I can't hold him too close or he disappears. He reappears just within my grasp so I have to keep my distance. In some way or another I feel abandoned. How can the abandoned explain to a dreamer. For the dreamer's dreams take him away and the abandoned is always longing for an endless embrace. No matter how I hold onto him, he's always leaving me in one way or another. I try to retreat inside but he's always hovering. I can't get rid of him and I can't let go of him. We're in a dance with no rhythm and our song has no melody. The only constant is an awkward silence.
This is just a flood of negative emotions but all of them are real to me today. I know my view can be clouded sometimes by depression(the funk) and I know this feeling will pass but for today I want to feel it, be done with it, and share it because I know that I'm not alone in this. God promised that I wouldn't be alone. So for all of you who feel the same way, you don't have to raise your hands or even comment. I just wanted to let you know that you are loved even when you feel like you're not and it won't always feel this way. Our hubbies love us and we love them it just stinks when there is no communication or connection due to deployment, Army *schtuff*, o just marital issues.