Unrest

There is a deep longing in my soul. At times I can't contain the magnitude of feelings. As I search for the words to express, they are meaningless and none can quench my fiery desire. And so I wait...

I realize there are things only God knows deep within me and those things are sacred. Its hard not to express anything but somehow I feel like I cheat myself out of sharing and I rob the world of knowing that such depth exist. I feel and think so many things that I'm not at peace with God. I have so many questions I ask and before I take the time to listen, I'm asking another question. I honestly don't know how to "cease". I have been trying to learn new ways of resting and its too simple for me, yet challenging. If I find any rest at all is like a glitch in my day. I realize it right away because it doesn't happen naturally. Its so foreign and odd to me that its almost scary sometimes. I know its good for me but yet I push it aside and say, "Not now!" Rest is the next journey/season for me and I hate the thought. I know how to keep myself busy and stress over little things but to be at rest is horrifying. I honestly don't know why I feel this way but I know that God is allowing this change. Its subtle but oh so powerful.

The flutter of hope remains. This new change is good. Life will never be the same. I have to keep looking ahead. If I look back I'll get stuck or turn to stone. I have to face my fears once and for all and no one can go there with me but God. I'm very hesitant to take the next step but I know if I slip or fall, He will be there to catch me and lead me on.

Unrest is telling me that I'm doing too much and I need to slow down. And at the same time it connects my heart, mind, and soul and gives it a shake. There are things and ideas that I hold onto that only hinder me and keep me from walking closer with the Lord and I'm so selfish right now. I don't want to let go of another thing. I'm comfortable. But this unrest is gnawing at me day and night and I need to stop avoiding and surrender.